I had one slip up over 4 years ago, started over, and I’m back over 4 years. I still beat myself up about a slip that long ago because some of us are a little competitive in nature, and I need 10 years all days in a row to flex, but it’s always one day at a time. Sometimes, one second at a time. God allowed me to make it back, but even in that one dire mistake, I learned some lessons that made my recovery even stronger today. Sometimes, it’s weird when things are going well. We have started moving into a new house, and gratitude is rolling in. (I used to be homeless; it makes me cry, but good cry thinking about it.) A lovely new beginning, completing each other, making new memories, and doing it right. It’s so much more than a house for us. With recovery and treatment, I’m able to keep my messy life mostly on track, and the blessings come on their own. I was the thing standing in the way of my happiness, not anything or anyone else. They really mean it when they say things do get better, but it’s really scary at first. We have to look for the lessons in everything. Good or bad, whatever you learn in recovery, there’s a lesson in anything and everywhere. My sponsor tree always asks me what the lesson is in things, and I like that. It kind of puts me on the spot and reminds me to just dig for the good stuff I can use to make myself a better person.
I am learning how to have nice feelings and all the feelings in general, like humans do, and just be content and comfortable in my own skin. It’s hard to feel happiness when you’re not used to it being so consistent. We always fear self-sabotage because we used to do that a lot when things were going well. Recovery and treatment is my full-time job above all, with unlimited overtime, and if you use my contact form, please be considerate of that and only send me appropriate emails or inquiries related to arts.
My recovery and treatment are directly hinged on stress. Stress is like a warning system for me to have my sober people tools ready. I have optimized everything in my life to enhance my recovery and treatment by trying to build a stress-free life. It’s impossible to build a stress-free life without becoming a monk, but it’s not impossible to curate one that minimizes it the best you can within your circumstances. In effect, I self-imposed my own sober living house in what many would say is the middle of nowhere, but to me, it’s everywhere. I need to be with everyone and everything I need.
Chapters in life pass as I thankfully age, but I love aging because the chaos of youth is not sustainable. Some family members I talk to, some I don’t. I love them all, though. I just hodge-podge my family by keeping the ones that work best for me. Some friends I talk to, some I leave in a past chapter. I love them all, though. Those who know me know I’m all heart, well intended, and possibly a smidgen messy. I laugh at myself and love people laughing at me, too. Laughing with or without it is the same for me. Sometimes I’m funny, but sometimes I’m funny at my own expense. Sometimes, I think I’m funny, burning briskets, but it falls flat, and I end up causing resentment. Being a person is hard.
Getting sober has been the greatest thing I have ever done. To everyone (there’s way too many to count) who has helped me achieve this once impossible goal, I have nothing but gratitude for you on this side of it. Even though I know I am challenging to handle sometimes, you all not only saved my life; you gave me a happy and manageable life for the first time.
Nothing even comes close. I know it sounds pathetic, but it’s true only because it allows me to keep everything else. I don’t carry the things in my heart that make people mean and bitter because my spiritual toolkit allows forgiveness even in absence. I’m blessed to have healthy tools and an incredible support system to rid myself of resentments and substitute the love of God for the self-harm of the devil. If you just stay in recovery and treatment long enough and try harder than anything you ever have, the magic happens. The promises in the blue books are undeniably true. I didn’t think that was real when I first read it; I thought it was for everyone else but me. It turns out everyone feels that way when new to treatment and recovery. We are worthy, and the good will come if we do the work of recovery and do the next right thing we can.
No one will ever get me to carry their hate for them. I use the forgiveness tool, and so far I have managed to keep a chip in my pocket instead of a chip on my shoulder.
For me personally, I have learned that the hardest people to forgive are the ones you need to forgive the most. By doing the work of recovery, I have tools to help people without them even knowing and great people to help me along the way. It wasn’t overnight, but I learned the evil in the hearts of some has to only make mine love more.
tldr? Love always wins on a long enough timeline.
Just for today.-z🙏